Gottman Method
A Research-Based Approach
GOTTMAN METHOD RELATIONSHIP COACHING
The Gottman Method is an approach to relationship coaching that starts with an assessment of the relationship, integrating research-based interventions based on the Gottman Sound Relationship House theory. The Gottman Method was developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman in the 1980s. It is an evidence-based form of relationship coaching that strives to assist couples in achieving a deeper sense of understanding, awareness, empathy, and connectedness within their relationships that ultimately leads to heightened intimacy and interpersonal growth.
Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman
Dr. John Gottman
The Sound Relationship House Theory
The goals of Gottman Method Relationship Coaching are to disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy in conflicting situations, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship. Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed nine components of healthy relationships, known as the Sound Relationship House theory. These include:
Build Love Maps: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or her history, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes? This principle involves getting to know each other’s worlds – past, present, and future dreams and goals. There is always more to learn about each other if you keep an open mind. Knowing and being known is the foundation of a strong relational friendship.
Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. Those who maintain healthy relationships are masters of scanning their environment to observe and express fondness and admiration toward their partner.
Turn Towards Instead of Away: State your needs, be aware of bids for connection and respond to (turn towards) them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship. Couples who are highly aware of and turn toward one another’s bids for connection, have more loving and lasting relationships, period.
The Positive Perspective: The first three levels of the Sound Relationship House serve as the foundation for The Positive Perspective. This may be one of the most important elements of a new relationship’s architecture as it provides the foundation for problem-solving and successful repair attempts.
Manage Conflict: When you marry someone, you marry a set of problems. Some are solvable while others are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some form or another. In fact Gottman found that a majority of marital problems (69%!) are perpetual. With this in mind we say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict, because relational conflict is not only unsolvable at times, it is natural and has functional, positive aspects, that even include building intimacy.
Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each partner to share and work toward each others hopes, values, convictions and aspirations – even if it means making a few personal sacrifices along the way.
Create Shared Meaning: Couples create shared meaning through the use of rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. As you build your relationship together, it is important to create share visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors within your relationship. What does “home” mean? What does “sex” mean? What does “money” mean? What does “play” mean?
Trust: Trust and commitment are the foundational pillars of the Sound Relationship House. Trust is something you feel, commitment is something you do. While most believe that trust is created by grand gestures in a relationship, the research highlights that trust is built in small, seemingly insignificant moments. These are the moments that demonstrate your commitment to your partner. They’re the moments that highlight you as a trustworthy lover and as someone capable of deeply caring for and protecting your partner’s heart.
Commitment: Is what each partner chooses. It means believing (and acting on the belief) that your relationship with this person is completely your lifelong journey, for better or for worse (meaning that if it gets worse you will both work to improve it). It implies cherishing your partner’s positive qualities and nurturing gratitude by comparing the partner favourably with real or imagined others, rather than trashing the partner by magnifying negative qualities, and nurturing resentment by comparing unfavourably with real or imagined others.
Relationship Coaching
Why We Use The Gottman Method
We use Gottman’s method in our relationship coaching because it’s grounded in over 4 decades of research and because there are extensive, predictably successful, practical tools to use with couples who are struggling. Our clients want concrete solutions to their relationship struggles, and the tools used in the Gottman method are highly effective at solving the problems most couples have.
WHAT DOES THE COACHING PROCESS LOOK LIKE
No two relationships are the same. Relationship coaching is specifically tailored to the needs of your unique relationship based on the initial assessment, reflection, and formation of your unique coaching plan.
Session 1: During the first relationship coaching session, your coaches will explore your relationship struggles and strengths and discuss what you want to get out of relationship coaching.
Relationship Check-up: After your first session, you will each complete the Gottman Relationship Check-up online. You’ll answer questions about your personal history as well as your relationship history, including current stresses, your level of commitment to the relationship, and your values and goals.
Session 2 and 3: Once your coaches have received and reviewed the feedback from your personal relationship check-up, you will see your relationship coaches alone for one session each. This allows you to express whatever you want to say without concern for what your partner may feel or think, as we review your relationship check-up and begin to form a coaching plan.
Session 4: In the 4th session, you will meet with your relationship coaches together as a couple. Your coaches will provide an evaluation of what is happening in your relationship, including your strengths as a couple as well as the areas where growth needs to occur. Your coaches will then discuss with you a roadmap for the issues you will work on in relationship coaching to help you move towards a more fulfilling and rewarding relationship.
Subsequent Coaching Sessions: After the development of a relationship coaching plan in session 4, we’ll continue to work on your goals via ongoing coaching sessions, tracking relevant metrics, providing accountability, and maintaining ongoing communication using our Coaching App; until you and your partner feel sufficiently satisfied with the progress in your relationship. While the needs of each relationship vary, we find most experience the greatest value at least 10 or more coaching sessions.
BENEFITS OF GOTTMAN METHOD RELATIONSHIP COACHING
Any couple can benefit from the Gottman method of relationship coaching if they commit to the coaching process and to their relationship. Key benefits you can expect from relationship coaching:
Deepen your friendship and intimacy
Increase fondness and affection
Enhance your connection to each other and your sex life.
Gain effective conflict resolution skills
Create shared meaning and purpose
Help each other achieve your individual and shared life dreams and goals
Increase trust and commitment to each other